Nearly 4 months later…. I have possibly only temporarily returned. My readers are probably once again non-existent, but truth be told. I just needed to come to a place of comfort. The past 4 months for me have not been easy in any way shape or form. And as childish as it may seem… I felt like hunting down old comfort zones. Last night I updated the LJ for the first time in forever. Today I visited my Tumblr momentarily. Tonight I update V-F. These are all things i should be carefully avoiding, but somehow I need them, because I feel I may very well break without them soon.

This Wednesday I will officially have my last class for Thesis and my Independent Lighting and Rendering class. After that, I have 2 sculpture and 2 Production skill classes left. I’ve already finished my Literature of Love class as the teacher decided to end the semester early (which i’m fairly certain i did ok in as I did all the necessary requirements. I have but one thing that may or may not mess me up, and that’s an attendance issue) I can only hope *crosses fingers* that I will pass Production skills. Jordan, my teacher, took over the class for Dan, my original teacher, half way through the semester and hasn’t’ really discussed requirements to pass the course. This makes me nervous. The only requirement he has given us is to present him with an updated .mov file of our works in progress weekly- which i’ve done, but still. I rest uneasy.

Sculpture class, I’d guess i’m doing ok. I missed once class due to illness, but other then that i’ve shown up and put in my best effort. Teacher was well aware that sculpture was an unknown medium to me. Though i’d say, I think i did fairly well in it regardless. I was at least impressed with my sculptures. We did two. one was whatever we wanted- I did a bust of the sheep character i designed for my bf’s future company. The second was to sculpt from life- a nude model who sat in class for the past however many weeks. I got to say, mine might not be the best in the damn class, but I’m pretty impressed with how well i did do with it.

I don’t feel as if my teacher for Lightening and Rendering is going to fail me. He hasn’t given me reason to feel I’d be in danger of failing,though truth be told- We did miss a few meetings and I feel i could of done better. But he was always happy with my progress. so I think i’m ok there. The problem is my Thesis class. I know I’m passing this semester, but I also know it’s by the edge of my teeth.

For the first time in my entire academic career, I truly came close to failure. Part of me has senses some serious fear factor on account, and the other part doesnt’ even care- quiet honestly Not sure it’s even really phased by it at all. Why? There are many reasons why. About as soon as school started to about the end of October, I was dealing with a fairly large family issue. A Family issue that the aftermath still lingers in the air, but somehow the after math is, though still horrible, easier to deal with then the two months of constant blow up events. I’m honestly still kinda touchy about the situation. It still effects me. That took effect on my attitude towards school, life, friendships, relationships- the whole nine yards. And as if that wasn’t’ bad enough, I just haven’t been inspired or motivated to work on thesis to begin with. I honestly, just haven’t been able to be arsed with it. My thesis, which I knew was never going to be “THE BEST” may be very well riding on “THE WORST” – simply because I haven’t’ been able to care about it. I’m hoping that will change soon, cause let’s face it? No one wants to face failure and repeat their senior year of college. I’m this close, I can’t let myself fuck it up now. That’s of course, if i’ve already fucked it all up to the point of no return. I have months to pull this thing out of my ass. I guess let’s find out if i can do it or not? I only hope that my thesis instructor didn’t just pass me out of sympathy, knowing that something’s been going on in the back of my mind. Because a victory in the sake of pity or sympathy disgusts and brings me possibly more shame then that of failing.

On top of all this, I’ve also been dealing with other emotional issues. My best friend Laura went in for some serious surgery just prior to the Thanksgiving Holiday. Thankfully, she’s alright, but it was still kinda scary to hear the news. Worst of all, is it all came at a time where all i want is a best friend, a shoulder to cry on, an arms embrace. Something that could just momentarily cause me some sort of relief and comfort. Truth be told, this isn’t by any stretch of the imagination Laura’s sole concern, but no one has really been all that available to hear me out and be there for me. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some who’ve made small efforts, efforts I greatly appreciate, but i’m reaching a point that i just need to be able to feel some sort of true relief. But no one really knows what’s wrong with me. I wish they did. I wish they could help. But they are too busy, and I don’t want to burden anyone. Others, have me questioning the nature of our friendship to begin with. Generally i just feel, lonely, unwanted, meaningless, and like i just point blank don’t fit in anymore with some of them. This breaks me.

Months have passes, Months left to go, and behind a straight face. A face I try to put a smile on everyday, or at least mask away the pain, there is a girl about ready to break. I wonder, if they only knew, if things would be different? But I’m not one to speak up. I’d rather silently suffer in my own private hell. This is my own fault; I know that. I just wish i wasn’t suffocating in such a mess. Wish I could pull myself up from underneath it all, but I don’t even know where to begin.

Sincere thank you to my lovely sister, Jess and Kristine for the lovely comments last blog. It was a pretty fucked up week, just needed to vent really, but I appreciate the concerns. All has.. sort of settled

Also, I just want to give Kristine an extra little plug. She visits my site pretty often and she seems like a pretty awesome person from what I’ve gathered. Her taste in music is also amazing. So please, go check her out. Also, Kristine, I hope you don’t mind, but I thought I’d add you under my Partner in Crime section

In other news, I’ll be honest, I’ve been kinda subconsciously avoiding blogging this past week. It was my one and only week off all summer long before summer set in. I sat down to try and blog a few times, but i just said fuck it. It’s my week to be lazy and enjoy what little summer I have left before I commit to my ever-so-dreaded Senior Year. Dreaded simply because of the work load that I know I have a head of me that I honestly, do not want to face. Part of me doesn’t’ really want to leave college life either. I loved the school I chose to go to. They have so many great classes that is just impossible to take all of them, AND your requirements within 4 years Maybe one day I’ll return for some classes. I guess I should be excited to be approaching a pretty big life long achievement- Graduation. I don’t know though. In my head, I can’t process that thought until I know i’m in the clear as far as Thesis is concerned. Something I really would rather not face. Honestly, it’s not even thesis that bothers me as much as the overwhelming pressure and stress that I know lies before me. Of course, There is also the fear of complete and total failure. People keep telling me I’m awesome but truthfully? I see far more talented people around me then myself. makes me nervous. Very nervous. Sometimes I feel like i’ll suffocate or go into cardiac arrest from it all.

On a better note, that NIN concert I was dying to see? WAS FUCKING AMAZING. Lots of frustration and complications happened before the event due to incompetent people , but once I was in, there was nothing that could of stopped me. We finally made into the event just in time to actually see NIN play ( Didn’t even lay eyes on the opening band) due to mass confusing and misunderstanding between my group of friends, lateness, and Laura not having her proper CC to get into the event. Once the show started though, I fought my ass to the front of the stage. I got front and center, about 3 rows away from the front of the stage. Trent was amazing and never did i think i would ever be able to experience his awesomeness so close and personal. It was truly an amazing experience, especially when PETER MURPHY came out as a special guest to sing Reptile. True Awesomeness.

Other awesomeness that happened that week? I acquired a new (used from school) desktop computer for my own personal use at home. She is a beast of a machine ( considering the kind of things I need her to be able to do ) and was named “Lady J” previous to me owning her.I thought I had to leave the name simply because of ironic circumstances. Early this week I put her up and running with all the necessary programs and things I’ll be needing for the upcoming school year. Also finally purchased a new hard drive that I also assembled earlier this week, named her “X-23.” She is a beastly 1TB drive.

Yes. I am a computer geek. and like all computer geeks. I name my appliances after geeky things. Dont’ Judge me. My friend Alex named his new desktop the Enterprise. As in the U.S.S. Enterprise from Startrek. So Shhhh.

Friday, August 28th was a sad day. I had suddenly gotten sick that day,and so I felt like crap all weekend. But more importantly it was my last day at Nathan for the time being. I got to say, as nice as it was to finally have a week off, I will miss that place and the awesome people I got to work with this summer. They gave me a touching goodbye. Joe gave me two grand old bear hugs and thanked me for an awesome summer. Kate and Mike gave me big hugs and thanks you’s a well. Anca gave me a big hug and hoped I’d come back someday. Also gave me a cute little notepad as a going away gift. We had a little Tetris tournament too. It was touching. I don’t think it really hit me until I had to say goodbye to everyone and walk out the door though. On my way home, I realized what I was walking away from- An awesome area of New York, with awesome friends and artists.Honestly? Part of me wanted to cry. I think apart of me did. I know I’m welcomed back at anytime, it’s just a matter of time before I can get back. It was really an awesome first working experience. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

I missed the damn place so much that I made the extra stop on Friday to stop by and visit them. I know, I’m a sap. but it was nice to see them all again.

Other then that, I’ve just been trying to get ready/ avoiding school, relaxing ( catching up on sleep) and more importantly dancing! AAAAANNNDDDD I think I’ve successfully been able to loose some weight. I went to put on a skirt yesterday that had previously fit me a little snug, and it fit a bit better. It was nice. Slowly but surely

Well better get to bed, got two more dance classes tomorrow with Katie and Alex tomorrow, followed by my last few hours of freedom before School starts on Tuesday wish me luck.

Oh btw, heads up. Because school will be getting back in session, I’m subject to not updating as much. I’ll try to stop in every now and then, but I honestly don’t think i’ll really get a chance to do much blogging. Especially as the year progresses. If anyone would like to keep in contact despite the fact, just drop me a note and I’ll see what i can do p Ta ta for now.

EarCandy-Unconditional: You always believed – In this Moment

Thanks to Kristine for le comments.

I haven’t blogged in about two weeks cause of lots of stuff what’s been going on in my personal life. Needless to say that when school sets picks back up in two weeks – blogging will be even more irregular. So heads up. If this place dies. Know it’s cause I’m spending every waking moment, including moments i should be sleeping, working on school work.

So, My life is a bit of an upside crazy mess. Especially after this past week. I’m hoping things least settle sometime before school sets in. Otherwise- I may go crazy. It all started last weekend when Jon’s parents went away for a week, and a few friends came over for a movie night. To say the least, having the entire house to just me and Jon for the bulk of the week was amazing. I love every minute of being able to spend time with him in a big old house all alone. It was lovely. Although the week did not go without it’s up and downs.

Things started off wonderfully. That first night,we organized a small gathering with some friends for food, movies, and video games. It was a great deal of fun. The following day WWIII broke out at my house. Loads of screaming fighting and yelling. Mom started the ball rolling during lunch at my grandmothers. I ended up having a mental break down while my grandmother freaked out just wanting peace and quiet and my mother ran away from everything. I was a total mess the rest of the day despite Jon taking me away from everything for a bit and making me feel temporarily better. Spent some time with the friends who had slept over the night before. Being in a weird state of mind, everything seemed surreal. Ended up needing to put myself somewhat back together for the remaining of the week for 2 friends who needed an ear. One who was in his own tearful family rooted mess, and the other- who was at lost at how to handle her first possible relationship.

The following day brought similar happenings including finding out another friend’s father was being hospitalized, mother calling me up in tears while at work, and having WWIII continue-this time with my father. The week also brought daily phone calls from my grandmother- just calling to check up on me, and continuing to be that ear for the 3 friends mentioned previously.

Tuesday was the night I finally went to go see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. I went despite contemplating not going because of the messy situation at hand. Pretty awkward experience due to the company, but the show itself was wonderful. Not that I had any doubts. Wednesday brought about a small mental break down from Jon. But as the week progressed things did begin to quiet down and cheer up, despite the constant thoughts swirling through my head.

Friday I went to a dermatologist and got 20 injections that bubbled up my skin momentarily. That was fun. The injections where to help speed up the recovery process of some patches of eczema that had broken out recently on my skin. Then spent a nice quiet night at home alone with Jon. Saturday I meant to go to the DMV to renew my license, but got up too late, so that never happened. Then found out that WWIII was continuing between my parents, and got out of the house for the night because I had company coming in from NY for a small get together.

Alex and Katie’s arrival lead us on an adventure to The Cheesecake Factory to get a Tiramisu Cheesecake through an epic thunderstorm. Ironically enough, the weather seem to subside after we acquired the cheesecake. We got home, and Jon’s family had just arrived from their week long vacation. They began to get settled in while Jon, Alex, Katie, and myself cooked up dinner for everyone. The rest of the night consisted of great food, drinks, great desserts, arrival of more great people, and a wonderful game of Apples to Apples. Today brought about a small trip to the cinema to finally see Ponyo!

Ignoring the mayhem that broke loose, the week was rather enjoyable, but not without a price. My family situation still remains miserable, and part of me wonders if it will ever truly get better. It’s times like these that i’m reminded of just how much I need to find the means to move out of my house and carry on with my life.

This week will bring on a new desktop computer (used from school) , the end of my time at Nathan (for now), and a promising fun filled night spent screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs with a group of good friends with Trent Reznor leading the way. That quiet possibly is THE highlight of my week. I simply. CAN. NOT. WAIT. to see NIN live in a small venue. I’m so excited I can hardly breathe.